Marriages and Affairs – Part I
July 25, 2010 by admin
Filed under Marriage & Relationships
Marriages that do not include “Transparency & Intimacy” are susceptible to infidelity. An affair is a sexual relationship between two people outside of marriage! An affair can also be an emotional attachment. Be it physical or emotional there is a transference that occurs. The spouse has opted to seek someone outside of the marriage to meet their physical or emotional needs!
When either spouse does not learn how to become transparent they are usually deficient in the intimacy department. Although the relationship continues marital “Trust” is not established. There is a lingering element of insecurity that is indicative of the relationship! There is also an insatiable void! A pattern of ongoing dysfunction within the marriage can easily be established if not dealt with… Secrecy becomes a part of the marriage!
Marriage was designed so each spouse could grow together and openly share their wants, needs and insecurities and become sensitive, and vulnerable to one another! The desire is to build a loving environment of trust and enjoy life together with one another! This is what transparency is all about! This leads to building a stronger cohesive bond. Each partner is different yet equally important. Mutual respect cultivates a healthier environment where your personal needs can be met! Vigorously meeting one another’s marital needs are then a major priority in your marriage!
There are numerous reasons why someone is not able to establish “intimacy and transparency.” When one has been abused, mistreated, neglected, lack coping skills, is subject to peer pressure, or has an addiction they quite often lack self esteem as well. They may suffer from depression, rather than address their hurts they suppress them. It may also be that they simply lack moral and spiritual values. In either case they may unconsciously select a partner that does not subscribe to transparency or is abusive! The relationship tends to remain surface without depth and void of any fulfillment. This in itself can cause one to continue to look beyond marriage to have their needs met. Secrecy begins to dominate the marriage!
Each marriage is quite different! Each spouse has a different temperament. They each vary in the need or desire for Inclusion, Control and Affection. Some couples marry and establish a businesslike relationship. They then often seek to have their emotional and sometimes physical needs met outside of the marriage. Open marriages rarely work. They do not allow the couple to properly bond and establish trust and intimacy. Here again there is also usually an underlining insecurity. Some seek open marriages because they lack the ability to commit to a trusitng monogamous relationship.
Adults need healthy self esteem! When they do not have self confidence there is then a tendency to cover it up! Drugs or alcohol is another way of covering up low esteem and inner pain to compensate for their insecurities. The changing shift in morals increases and abets experimentation in the area of illicit sex and drugs as well. Countless individuals are currently addicted to pornography and other sexually related addictions. Unknowing they have been seduced not thoroughly considering the spiritual ramifications or consequences of walking in disobedience! This is why it is important to know that God sees everything!
Many enter into marriage without really getting to know the person they marry. Either spouse has quite often, not taken the time to examine one another’s values or priorities. They in fact are “unequally yoked.” Your spouse is supposed to be your life partner! Marriage is supposed to be a commitment to God’s design for marriage! This is why it is so important not to rush into marriage for whatever reason? After all, you are going to be together for a lifetime?
There is much on the horizon in this 21st century to change God’s design for marriage. It is within the context of this article I am attempting to make an exertion to address “Marriage God’s Way” and some of its surrounding issues. His original design for marriage has not changed.
When one hastily rushes heart first into marriage, the relationship often become compartmentalized and there are parts of one another that are not readily shared. It takes more time for each spouse to sort through the layers of personality. In order to grow together there must be the desire for ongoing transparency. When one does not become transparent emotional walls begin to erect. In the interim you may “walk on eggshells.” This becomes stressful as well as unhealthy! Nor does this let your spouse in and often one elects to supplement their needs outside of the marriage.
Pornography, sexual addictions of all sorts and affairs are on the rise in this 21st century. These are a few of the unhealthy ways of meeting your marital needs outside of marriage! Addictions are strong, uncontrollable compulsive behaviors that are damaging to the mind, body and soul! Sexual dysfunction is prevalent today and rising! It is a not only a physical disorder but psychological as well. STD’s and HIV become probable dire health issues? Since sex outside the sanctity of marriage is often supported this tends to make it much easier to go outside the marriage to seek ways to get your needs met.
Our teens need better healthy committed marriage role models! Sexual feelings are natural and should be openly discussed rather than ignored! Many teens participate in sex before marriage without fully considering the bonding that takes place when sex occurs. Promiscuity among teens often occurs when one seeks to fill their inner void through sexual relationships. Not realizing that they are actually giving away parts of themselves. There is an enormous amount of peer pressure for teens! This can result in unexpected pregnancies. This can also later result in further hindering future transparency in marriage!
Marriage is the first institution that God designed! “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh…” You void Trust when you dishonor your marriage vows… It is important to know what you join yourself together with becomes a part of you! This is another reason why one should take their time in selecting a spouse!
If you are a believer, you must consult our Creator and Maker instead of embracing the world’s many alternatives? If you have ignored Him, you can always change? God is able! Start right where you are! You must begin to diligently seek God for help with your marriage! Meditate on His Word, embrace and implement His principles in your life! Begin to be honest with your spouse! Or you can continue to “do your own thing?”
Getting your needs met outside of marriage is not His way. It is actually a weakness taking the helm of your life. This leads you on the broad road that leads to destruction. This will eventually devastate your spouse and further weaken your ability to build a strong healthy marriage and hinders your spiritual life as well. One must take some time and ponder what the impact of practicing infidelity or sex outside of marriage does to their spouse! It hurts them terribly!!!
* If you are in ministry one should really take time to address the consequences of indulging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage! You water down your effectiveness and invalidate the call on your life! The Word teaches us a seducing spirit is in operation here and causing you to “walk in the flesh” See Galatians 5.
If you are a believer it is important to know the WORD of God! The Word was never meant to be a set of rigid legalistic rules and regulations. It is our “Life Manual!” A powerful loving guide that is designed to point us to TRUTH! To keep us on the straight and narrow road! God is now your Father or is He? God does not force us; we have the right to choose! It is important to weigh the consequences? You do not want to be a stranger to His will and way! Or do you?
When you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord you are saying you want to develop an intimate transparent relationship with Him! Don’t let the world dull your conscience and spiritual ethics! As long as we all are on this side of heaven we are here to learn and grow spiritually! The Lord sees us individually and knows exactly where each of us are! We are supposed to reach out for the Lord, call on Jesus and apply His Word to our lives daily! His arms are always open …
Are We Ready For Marriage ?
December 29, 2009 by admin
Filed under Marriage & Relationships
In marriage both partners must be willing to give up selfishness for the sake of the relationship, as well as forsaking all others. God does not want us to have a joyless experience. Jesus died so we might relish “the abundant life”, abundant means plentiful, overflowing. He wants our lives to overflow with the fruits of His spirit. They are: Love, Joy, Peace, Long-Suffering, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control. Galations 5:22-24 (NKJV). The scriptures says “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church: and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore just as the church is subject to Christ so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the Word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” Ephesians 5:22-29 (KJV) To walk in the spirit is to be controlled by the spirit. It is the infilling of the Spirit we must pray for over and over and over again. When a wife submits to her own husband as to the Lord the Lord’s order is established in the marital relationship. But remember the husband must be subject to the Lord. When we are walking in the Spirit this type of relationship is possible. God has provided us with a formula for a fulfilling marriage. We must learn to trust that he really knows what is best for us. Now, step out on faith.
We must ask ourselves are we ready for marriage? Are we prepared to relinquish our selfishness? Are we ready to put the other partner’s well being first? Are we willing to share? Better yet are we willing to remain faithful and to partake in the joys as well as long-suffering that life often offers? Are we truly ready to spend the remainder of our life with this person? If you can answer yes to these questions, it is quite possible you are ready?
In this 21st century more than 55% of marriages end in divorce. Divorce is taking too many casualties! It is important to take some time and really ponder if you really want to make a lifetime commitment! Divorce and infidelity are raging a battle against marriage! Don’t let your vows just be mere words!
Marriage is the oldest institution there is. God created it to be Beautiful and last for a lifetime! Think long and hard before you presumptuously commit to Marriage. Planning for a wedding is so very exciting! It should be a wonderful magnificent, memorable and breathtaking grand occasion whether its large or small! All too often it is the idea of all the exciting Showers, Parties, Celebrations and activities that many have come to enjoy rather the marriage itself! A committed marriage takes a lot of work, it does not just happen! Make sure that you have thought about the future as well. I have found more often than not the last thing a couple wants to hear while planning to marry is are you sure?
Marriage between a man and a woman is the ultimate commitment of Love! Because of the alarming number of marriages ending in divorce and resulting in infidelity, I wrote this quick easy read premarital guide that takes less than a half an hour to read! Look and listen to the news! I have heard too many couples say “I never thought about that?” If I only would have known! You do not want a life of heartache! First know you cannot change this person you want to marry! Ask you self; Do you want to wake up to this person every morning for the rest of your life? Are you willing to work through life’s challenges and do what is best for the marriage? Are you ready to close the door on all other sexual partners? Each marriage is totally different. But the same basic principles are true! Together you have the opportunity to build a unique relationship that mutually suits your temperaments! Think long and hard? Take some SERIOUS time and really think about if you are ready to say yes to a lifetime commitment! If you are I wish you a Loving, eventful, committed, lifelong, happy, God-centered marriage, “What God has joined together let not man put asunder.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DeBorrah K. Ogans is a Marriage Educator, licensed Christian Counselor, Life Coach and ordained Minister. She is certified through the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling in Creation Therapy and holds a Master’s Degree in Biblical Clinical Counseling. She is the author of a pre-marital guide “How Do I Love Thee: Things You Need To Know Before You Say I Do,” and just released her second book “Holy Matrimony: Now That You’re Married”. DeBorrah has written extensively and has a plethora of columns and commentaries on life subjects that are widely published.
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Trapped In Addiction
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Trapped In Addiction
When a person has an addiction it can be totally devastating. It not only affects the addict but anyone they come in contact with. It causes fear and insecurity to dominate the lives of their family and often friends as well. It often paralyzes them in a cesspool of co-dependency, inhibiting them from taking a lawful stand.
Intervention when properly initiated can be a catalyst for repentance in the addict. You see we don’t really like to confront problems. We tend to take the ostrich approach, burying our heads in the sand. Guess what? The problem won’t just go away. We often think of love as not making someone feel bad. (Except when it comes to punishing children) But we must be careful not to unconsciously support any wrong behavior. An addict is a devotee to whatever substance they are controlled by. They surrender their will and allow themselves to be habitually, obsessively controlled by the proclivity of their desire. Their addictive need is compulsive and they will do whatever is necessary to fulfill that need.
Buried underneath the layers is really a diamond in the rough! How ironic? God can take their faithfulness to what ever their desire is (alcohol, drugs, food, sex, dirt, etc.) and turn it too good. The process is really miraculous to watch. But it will never happen as long as we keep our head in the sand. God will not force His way. Remember their allegiance is just inappropriately designated. Do you know why it’s easy to abet them in there slow but sure death? They can appear so loving and talk about the life of the party! Who needs a party? They are a party all by themselves. They can be so compliant and giving. But right around the corner lives Mr. or Mrs. Tyrant. . They can embrace the reigns of violent and destructive behavior like sugar to an ant. Talk about a roller coaster! Except this ride is not very amusing. Living on the edge is their theme.
The deepest emptiness and a gulf of shame awaits the departure of each subsequent binge. But don’t be in total despair. There is hope. You see God really does make the difference. Just know you can’t change them. But you can and should abandon providing them a security blanket in any form. Begin to shift your focus to God. He’s the ultimate COMFORTER. He will direct your paths as you truly learn to trust HIM. Begin to develop your role as their faithful prayer intercessor. The chronic abuser allows freedom to his love ones. Freedom to know you can’t depend on them. This freedom can cause you to take on their responsibilities. Oftentimes this can cause one to reach for situations and people they can dominate just as the addict controls their life. To the other extreme, it can also cause them to look to someone who will stroke their insecurities. What a cycle! One can become enmeshed in a sea of burdens. But I’m glad there is a burden bearer. The scripture says: “take my yoke upon you and learn of me for my yoke is easy and my burdens are light”. Easier said than done huh! But it is really possible. Begin to transfer this burden to the Lord. Embrace the scriptures daily to spiritually equip you for warfare. Ephesians is a book that let’s the child of God know that you have been sealed and deliverance is at hand. The mighty weapons of God are not carnal.
You cannot change anything that has happened. Don’t overindulge yourself in a guilt trip. But don’t jump in the quicksand of denial. The noose of addiction can be broken. Jesus did not die in vain. He can resurrect any life. He can peel away the layers of sin by the cleansing power of His BLOOD. It takes only a little light to dispel the darkness. We all have sinned and fallen short of His glory. That’s’ why we need a SAVIOR. TO SAVE US FROM THE POWER OF SIN. Reach out to the Lord. He can and will be there for you TWENTY/ FOUR / SEVEN.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DeBorrah K. Ogans is a Marriage Educator, licensed Christian Counselor, Life Coach and ordained Minister. She is certified through the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling in Creation Therapy and holds a Master’s Degree in Biblical Clinical Counseling. She is the author of a pre-marital guide “How Do I Love Thee: Things You Need To Know Before You Say I Do,” and just released her second book “Holy Matrimony: Now That You’re Married”. DeBorrah has written extensively and has a plethora of columns and commentaries on life subjects that are widely published.
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MARRIAGE:Developing Intimacy
December 26, 2009 by admin
Filed under Marriage & Relationships
MARRIAGE:Developing Intimacy
Intimacy is an essential component in developing a strong, robust, rewarding and satisfying marriage. Marriage should consist of an intimate, healthy, warm endearing closeness. This attractive closeness results in building a comfortable, formidable, deeper understanding and appreciation for each other. Fostering a marital environment that welcomes intimacy will yield, trust, security and transparency within your relationship. Often two people marry and just parallelly coexist, not really getting to know one another. To further develop your relationship it is important to get to know your spouse on a much deeper level. A good healthy marriage does not just happen it takes teamwork. Do you really want intimacy in your relationship? It is a necessary ingredient when one desires a deep, long lasting gratifying marital relationship.
Marriage was originally designed by God to be the ultimate, life sustaining Christian marital relationship where two; one man and woman agree to come together and grow as husband and wife. Each should have one another’s best interest at heart. To desire to journey through life with, as well as share their personal growth experiences along with a committed partner. This then becomes the ultimate foundational environment in which to build the family. Did you know today as many as 60% of marriages end in divorce? It is important that your marriage is or becomes a priority to both of you. Intimacy will foster a stronger union that encompasses developing the ability to build a healthier marital bond. It is never too late to start building intimacy. It is fundamentally essential that each spouse should consciously embrace and continuously seek God’s direction and enlist His principles within your relationship. “God’s Love endures forever.”
What does intimacy really mean? Webster Dictionary defines intimate as follows: “1 a: intrinsic, essential b: belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature 2: marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity 3 a: marked by a warm friendship developing through long association
The Bible describes marriage as two becoming one flesh. This is really truly a fascinating concept that has become all too common. Take some time and ponder on this; we were made for God. “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Genesis 1. Today the world offers many variations as to what marriage can consists of? Remember God who is the Original Designer designed marriage to be a monogamous partnership between a man and a woman. Do you realize that you made a vow to love, walk together, grow together and go through both good and difficult life experiences with your spouse? Think about it your commitment was not only to your spouse but to God as well.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.” Genesis 2. Although Adam was very close to God he still needed human companionship. Intimacy in marriage is vitally important. Intimacy consists of being transparent; being able to freely express and communicate however it is you are feeling, to openly disagree without fear. To learn, express and experience the depth and benefit of God’s true Love within the confines of marriage. Intimacy when embraced helps you to also become closer to God. The Hebrew word for “intimate friend” is partner. Intimacy actually brings an element of responsible emotional freedom to your relationship. You do not elect to major in the minor things of life. Mutual trust, compassion, concern and respect then naturally become healthy components of your relationship.
Within marriage you are able to learn and understand the concept value of submission, which really is meekness. Meekness is so often misunderstood. It in no way implies weakness! It is a Fruit of God’s Spirit. It simply means “power under control.” Self control is an important element of the Fruit of God’s Spirit. The insecure desire to always want to dictate and control someone or something is easily relinquished when you know that it is God who really is in control of all things anyway. You also can easily recognize manipulation. “The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” Partaking in all the Fruit of His Spirit is quite beneficial. (See Galatians 5) Getting to know the Lord in an intimate personal way is so very important!
Why is it that all too often you are respectful to everyone else except your own spouse? Is your relationship often fueled by your residual unresolved emotions, impulsiveness, impatience and or hot tempers? When you usually relate in this mode to one another it will create a lot of tension between you. This also negatively impacts the overall quality of your relationship that can create a hostile unhealthy living environment. Relating in this manner, is it because you really do not believe that God is present when no one else is? Anger really grieves the Holy Spirit. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen, And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore as dearly beloved children and live a life of love.” Ephesians 4. The “TRUTH” really does set you free! How did you relate to each other before you married? It is important not to take one another for granted. “God’s Love endures forever.”
Since we live in the world that so strongly influences behavior, for many actually including God’s principles usually just becomes an afterthought. Common excuses “I’m human” well I hope so! Or “nobody’s perfect.” Did God not say “be ye perfect” because He is perfect, which really means mature not flawless. As God’s child we should be growing until He decides that it is time to meet Him face to face. Or repenting in stead of repeating. Pride usually takes the forefront. As a Christian your marriage should be different. God really is Omnipotent, He is right there! His Word is meant to be our life manual. When truly embraced fully and practiced, intimacy will alter how you interact and behave tremendously. You share mutual interests and your needs are met. You invite God in your circle. Of course you disagree at times but you learn to resolve most of your differences responsibly which further strengthens each of you as independent individuals, yet matures you as a couple.
Intimacy helps you to learn how to appreciate and to mutually respect one another, to entrust your inner self to your partner. This reinforces your union as a couple. You usually don’t impulsively just react when something or someone triggers you emotionally or “pushes your button”. You do not have to give them “a piece of your mind” all the time. I always say that I prefer to “keep my entire mind.” When put into practice you instead, learn to think first, and then responsively respond if and when necessary. The more you practice this principle you gain deeper insight and acquire calmness, inner peace and serenity. You do not just let others outwardly control you by remote. Be alert because you will be tested! “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires…” James 1 The peace of God brings much inner contentment. If you read on you will find that there really are spiritual benefits in learning how to bridle or control your tongue! God is AWESOME! Each of us has an innate God given unique temperament. “It is our temperament that determines how well we react to people, places and things. In short, it is how people react with their environment and the world around them.” (Creation Therapy by Dr. Richard & Phyllis Arno)
Our Creator knows what we need. The malleable brain, your mind God has given you has over 12 billion cells, and over 400 miles of capillaries within 100 sq ft. In other words it can store a lot of “stuff”. You know the saying “practice makes perfect” what we really should say is “practice makes permanent.” Be careful what you ……. Creativity and learning by building upon what you already know builds dendrites or increases learning which builds your mind. Spiritually digesting and applying God’s Word transfers into a stronger solid spiritual foundation. Intimacy with God works absolute wonders! God’s Word is spiritual food for your mind. He says we can be “transformed by the renewing of our minds…” Romans 12. Change is possible. Do you really believe His Word? God really does have a better way! This is why it is so important to consult the Lord and apply His Word. Since He created us He really does know what is best for us. “With God all things are possible!
Remember God has designed marriage for each of you to have a “helpmeet if desired.” Developing intimacy has to be a desired goal; it is not an automatic process. Rather than just “dump” on one another you create an environment where you can learn healthier relational dynamics. Intimacy also helps to release inner anxiety, allows free expression, frees your mind, and allows room instead for each of you to build an inner strength which stabilizes your relationship. The two becoming one is a spiritual principle of intrinsic value.
Marriage is supposed to be something that is cherished. It must be attended, nurtured and cared for in order to create an environment in which you both are able to mutually grow together both spiritually and emotionally. Each marriage is different and as two different individuals you both together are able to determine what your priorities are in your own marital relationship. It is important to respect, support, encourage, chastise and urge one another to be all they can be in life in order to grow and fulfill whatever their God given purpose may be. God wants to be a part of our lives each and everyday. Sometimes this requires a shifting or reprioritizing of what you think or perceive to be important. Ultimately instead of trying to fit God into our lives we should design our lives to center around Him.
Quite often when one thinks of intimacy they think only on terms of being physical. Many couples have and are experiencing physical relationships without any intimacy. They physically engage regularly with one another, without really getting to genuinely know one another. This may fill an immediate physical desire. However in the long run it hinders your ability to bond and develop a depth and significant security within your marriage that comes along with intimacy. There instead resides an insecure, unstable shallowness to the relationship just waiting to become unhinged. Intimacy is possible but it takes time and a mutual commitment to move towards a deeper transparent relational level in your marriage. “God’s Love endures forever.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DeBorrah K. Ogans is a Marriage Educator, licensed Christian Counselor, Life Coach and ordained Minister. She is certified through the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling in Creation Therapy and holds a Master’s Degree in Biblical Clinical Counseling. She is the author of a pre-marital guide “How Do I Love Thee: Things You Need To Know Before You Say I Do,” and just released her second book “Holy Matrimony: Now That You’re Married”. DeBorrah has written extensively and has a plethora of columns and commentaries on life subjects that are widely published
. What Does The Bible Really Say About Sex?
Read The First Five Chapters Free! The Bible, Sex, and This Generation!
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